Short Stories

The Interview OR How A Janitor Who Wanted To Go Home Early Almost Caused Intergalactic War

alien interviewSam McConey’s view of the camera and director were block by Shanice who was putting copious amounts of powder on Sam’s face. She was complaining a bit about Sam perspiring so much but today’s interview was, quite frankly, a scary one, even if it was historic. Shanice moved just as he heard the director say and 3, 2, 1, action and the camera was rolling….

Sam smiled big and went into his introduction
“Hello and welcome to Bob Ray show. This is Bob Ray and do we have a show for you today. Our guest is so important, so controversial, so well weird you won’t want to miss this. And because of the unknown true nature of our guest for his safety and the safety of the general public we do not have our usual live audience. So set your DVRS and set back for a once in a lifetime experience, right after these messages”

As the commercials rolled Sam once again mopped his brow. Shanice came over to touch up but he waved her away.

“George” he looked at his producer “are you sure this is safe? I mean what if I get sick or something?”

Sam you are safe we tested. No known pathogens is what the lab said”

Sam cringed, “No KNOWN pathogens.”

The director yelled and we are back in 3, 2, 1, the red light on top of the camera came on and he pointed at Sam.

“Welcome back to the Bob Ray Show. Like I said earlier today’s guest is one of a kind.  Today you will meet someone who many people have speculated about, does he really exist? Is he the stuff of fantasy, the product of over imagination in some dope smoking groups? Is he really just a story made up by the federal government to throw you off the track of the real controversial experiments they are engaging in? Or is he really part of well-orchestrated cover-ups? Is it just part of another wave of illegals coming into America? Well today we answer those questions. That’s right. Today on our show we have a real life Alien.”

The Director cued the Bob Ray Theme Song as Sam stood up to greet the creature walking out onto the stage. He didn’t want to but he extended his hand toward the creature in an attempted to shake “hands”. Sam really did not want to touch the creature nor did he know which one of the appendages hanging of the side of the alien was a hand to shake, but being the showman he was he had to put on a show of confidence. Ratings you know.

The Alien looked at Sam’s hand and then in a kind of gliding motion lightly perched on the stool provided. Sam and the Alien stared at each other for a bit. In fact too long of a bit and it was a good 30 seconds of dead air before Sam noticed his director freaking out. Dead air is bad air on live TV.  Sam cleared his throat.

“Um welcome to the Bob Ray Show. I must admit you are not what I imagined you to look like. I though you would be, well you know, long and grey with a big head, long arms and short legs.  Not like this.”

Sam pointed at the alien who was sitting there with his arms (?) crossed in front of his body. His whiskers where moving across his face like worms and the stool was a little bit too short as his legs (?) sprawled around looking like  fat tangled rope.

The Alien looked at same out of large almond shape eyes (at least those were what you would expect).

“Well you aren’t exactly pleasing either.  But I understand, you are used to seeing us as the Greys or the Blues. Well that was a bit of creative tweaking. You guys being only bipedal and bi-brachial would have really freaked if you saw us like this with our arms and legs. So the first rule of interspecies investigation is to adapt to simplicity or as we say in class “don’t freak the creatures”. So two arms, two legs”

Sam looked closely. He heard the words but could not figure out where the alien was talking from. He stared a bit, and then decided he better get on with this interview. For all he knew he was right now being bombarded with alien germs that would slowly turn him into mush. So time to get it done, as fast as he could. Besides if he asked questions maybe he could figure where the thing was talking from.

With his best Bob Ray smile, Sam said, “What shall we call you? As I am sure you know and have watched (another beaming smile at the camera) the show before, I am Bob Ray. What name shall we call you? I would not want to go through this whole interview calling you the Alien”

“No please call me Merlvin. My name is Merlvin”

Mervin? Call me

No Merlvin.

“Oh sorry about that (big smile) merlin.”

“No, no” the Alien looked agitated causing Sam a little concern “ Meeeeerl…..VIN with a V. MerlVIN

“Oh I am so sorry.  Melvin.”

The Alien covered his face with six pairs of arms, “Fine Fine call me that.

“Wel,l I certainly appreciate you coming today I have to ask, I am curious, what made you decide to come out today on the Bob Ray show? What was it that mad you reveal yourself, the real you and put to rest speculations about your existence.”

“That’s just it Bob. The speculations were driving me crazy. All the stuff on the internet about whether we were blue, grey, friendly hostile. Your movies are full of aliens that were coming to kill and take over your world. That is silly; no one wants your world. It is much too bright and the atmosphere is unstable always changing.  Most of us aliens like to keep our weather consistent. You have hot, cold, dry, wet all kinds of things.   Even Venus is always hot, not that anyone ever goes there anymore. “

“You don’t say Marvin. If you don’t want our planet then why do you come here?”

“Oh come on Bob you guys are funny. So easy to scare, we bring one or two of you up into the craft now and then and it are good for years. The laughs that is. The stories you creatures come up with.”

“But what about the experiments, the lost time, the, the,” Sam swallowed. “The anal probes.”

Sam was pretty sure the Alien was laughing at his discomfort.

“Simple, very simple Bob. We did indeed bring some folks up for study. It was a school project we had to do. The assignment was to find a sentient species, study it, draw its anatomy and identify similar organs. So yea we looked at some. You things are rather similar. The anal probe, well that was to look at your heart. Maybe some of us liked a little too much. Kind of sorry about that. A little. But we did get a good look at your heart. “

“Our heart? Our heart isn’t located on that end there Malvin.”

“Merlvin. Yes it is. You are so simple. I said you are similar to us with your heart by your sexual organs and your waste organ, what you call your bladder, up in your chest where gravity helps drain it. Such simple creatures you are.”

The director cued the Bob Ray show theme show music. Sam smiled at the camera and said,

?Don’t go away when we come back we will ask Molvern about the cattle with blood drained…we will be right back after these commercials.”

As they went to commercial the alien said

“Merlvin, it is Merlvin..”


To be Continued