So, it seems, according to some friends, that I am a non-smoker. I am working on my fifth month smoke free. It is weird. I still see myself as a someone who is trying to quit smoke. I do not yet think i am ready to call myself a non smoker.  My friends who still smoke seem to be the ones who call me a ex smoker or non-smoker. Like I am such a quitter and what a bad thing is that? It is also weird they are the ones who are most apologetic about their smoking. Well, not really weird, i was the same way when I smoked.
People who never have smoked or the ones who call me a quitter. Or the question I get from them is “Are you still quitting smoking?” My mother asks me that. When I mention it has been almost 5 months, she is very proud of me but asks me how long do I have to quit for. Sigh, love her, but sigh. She is also the one who asks me how long will I be sick. I tell her it is terminal, i sat down and explained everything and she still thinks that if I get the right combo of drugs or the right doctors that somehow or another I will be miraculously cured and then I can smoke again. While I wouldn’t mind the miracle cure, I am not sure if I would smoke again. Maybe. I honestly couldn’t say right now. I get the feeling I might.
My doctor says that I am still considered a smoker. She is very happy with me for my quitting as long as I have and she is incredibly encouraging and supportive but she still considers me a smoker.  It turns out that the medical field needs to know this stuff. It changes how they treat you and view your medical record. It will take a year before they note that I am a “ex-smoker.” If I live long enough, after five years they will consider me a non-smoker.
Physically. Well, I think I might go nuts. Patience is not a virtue I have in abundance.  There are those who can attest to that being a very true statement. This lung disease, however, is forcing me to embrace patience. I am not good at it. I totally suck at it. I am learning though. Not being able to breath sometimes forces one to take it slow. Even when doing those things that will make you better. Like Exercising.
Exercising..ugh. I have learned that perhaps, for once, my doctor does know what the heck she is talking about. Takes me two serious setbacks to give in and admit that. I didn’t not believe that I needed to take it slow when exercising and walking. I thought that if I can do it then do it, and push myself for that little extra bit. Bad idea.I learned that when I am breathing a little hard to stop and let my lungs relax. If I don’t then it takes me days and days to get over it and if I happen to come in contact with a nasty germ or virus…bamm she goes down for two weeks.
So I take it easy. My son bought me an oxy/pulse meter. I watch that sucker like a hawk when walking. If my oxygen starts dropping I need to stop and wait until it rises again. It has made a world of difference. I am learning that for me it is the amount of steps in a day rather than the distance. I am aiming for 10,000 steps a day. I take it easy and take it slow. I can reached that goal 3 or 4 out of 7 days.
So I still quitting smoking, soon to be a non-smoker. Is that a mind set? Perhaps. I have learned to take it easy on myself and not rush. To relax is not natural for me. I am learning. I am also learning that there really are something’s out of my control. I am learning *gasp* patience.

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