It has been a little over 110 days are four months since I have had a cigarette. In some respects it seems a lot longer, in others doesn’t seem like a week has gone by. The physical cravings are a lot less, although I am still using the mini lozenges. The urges had diminished a lot. There are lingering ones, after meals, when I am bored, etc. That is when I use the lozenge.
Physically I wish I could tell you everything is hunky dory, that I am a lean mean buff machine, but boy would that be a lie. Due to my disease I am still highly susceptible to your germs. I catch colds, infections etc very easily and they are harder for me to gt rid of. Recently I had a sinus infection. Usually three days after taking antibiotics one feels better..it has taken me almost two weeks. What really sucks, is that I just started the walk/run program and now I have to start all over. Sometimes seems like I take a step forward and four steps back. So I start all over. Sigh. Not to mention the steroids make me puffy and so I start to beat up on myself for weight gain. Kinda silly, If i was able to do the exercising like I was, the puffy wouldn’t bother me one iota. But laying on the couch sick I start to think too much and pick on myself.
Which brings me to the something I was not expecting. It never occurred to me that I used cigarettes for more than the addictions and the stress. And the stress part was for the highly stressed super angry or worried kind of thing. Not so. I have discovered that I have no idea what to do with my emotions. Some folks tell me, well you just feel them and they are done. This is probably true, but dang there are some I don’t even identify. When I am hurt, when my feelings are wounded, I truly have no idea how long it is supposed to take to get over it. Get over it, I hear that a lot. Even some loved ones, do not seem to want to listen when i am tell them i am feeling this way or the other. They want to fix. I just want to be heard? at least that is what I think is going on.
It is difficult for me to open up and tell others what is going on in my head. So I used to go and a have a smoke, “get over it” stuff those darn feelings down and out of the way. Well, I am not smoking. Trust me, I really really really want to sometimes. When i was talking to the doctor about this, she said I needed to go ahead and tell my loved ones what i am feeling. Well that goes over like a lead balloon. You see, it is just as hard for them as it for me. THis is a new thing. I smoked for a long, long, long, long time. Even my kids have until this time never seen me NOT smoke. So hard for them to deal with me. Hard for me to deal with me. Not sure I am enjoying all these wild emotions.
On the plus side, I am feeling better and tomorrow I get to restart the exercise program.  I am happy about that. I will even follow Doctor’s instructions and go slow and easy. I am always trying to rush these things. My body does not like that. I Still am going to do the 5k in March. That is something I insist I am doing, whether i run it, walk it, crawl, or do it in a wheelchair I WILL do it.
To close lemme tell all you folks who have never smoked, People like me are trying to kick an addiction that has taken over the pleasure centers of our brain.  Our own brain tries to sabotage our quitting smoking. I can say from experience it is not easy, it totally sucks at times and we ourselves do not always understand what is going on in our heads. If they are like me, smokers do not get over it and be all better and super duper in 3 months. Remember that. If you love them, give them encouragement not instructions or grief.

DISCLAIMER: These posts are nothing more than chronicling my efforts to quit smoking. Anything I write is nothing more than my way of doing so and my feelings associated with those efforts. If you are inspired to quit smoking by anything, you read here, please see a doctor and follow their instructions. I, in no way, am suggesting or recommending anything as means of smoke cessation.

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