Quitting Smoking 6/12/12
I have four days before I quit smoking. I am very nervous. Well, actually, let us be honest. I am afraid, downright scared. I know it sounds silly. Those who know me know that I do not scare easily, unless you happen to be little spider. But, I am afraid of Saturday.
Again, it’s not really Saturday that I am afraid of; it is not that that is the day I quit that causes my fear. It’s that I am afraid of failing again. I am someone who, if something doesn’t work out the first time or two I say F*ck it and move on. I try hard not to run into the same brick wall more than twice. With quitting smoking, however, everything I am told and everything I have read says, “Do not give up giving up.” This is going to be the umpteenth time I have tried to quit.
I have had folks tell me that if I really want to quit I will. While there is some truth in that, it is not necessarily so. Again, there is truth to that statement. The drinker does not have problem with drinking until it becomes a problem. Everyone else sees them as an alcoholic, but if the drinker doesn’t see it, then it is not going to happen. You can replace drinker with drug addict, overeater, or smoker. Either way the “want to” has to be there.
Having the “want to” isn’t enough. At least not for me. I want to. I really do. So, why don’t I just quit? I not only am asked that question, I beat myself up endlessly with that question. The answer is I don’t know. I know people who just one day quit smoking. No problems. No withdrawals. Just decided to quit and did. I envy them. There are others who tell me that there was an event in their life that prompted them to quit. In fact, ex-smokers are always happy to share how and why they quit with me. They had a heart attack, they had a baby, they fell in love, whatever, some event. I am kinda in that category with my illness. I say kinda because it hasn’t been enough to make it easy to quit.
So why am I really afraid? I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid of letting everyone, including myself, down. I am afraid that it won’t work. Again. That I will go to this 8 hour class on Saturday and on the way home buy a pack of cigarettes. I am afraid I will not be able to put the smokes down.
I am also afraid of, quite honestly, of giving up a friend. If one thinks about it, I have smoked for almost 30 years. When I have been happy, cigarettes have been there. When I am sad, cigarettes are there. When I am stressed out, worried, scared, or just plain bored, cigarettes have been there. Cigarettes have always been there. Therefore, in reality, I am fixing to give up a friend.
I will close with saying I am going on Saturday. I am going with the patch slapped on my arm and an attitude that it will work. I want it to work. I am afraid, but I want it to work. I will also say that my Doctor is a smart lady; she has me scheduled for more quit smoking workshops In July as well. I can still attend those workshops or not. She is a smart one.
I have four day until my quit day.
DISCLAIMER: These posts are nothing more than chronicling my efforts to quit smoking. Anything I write is nothing more than my way of doing so and my feelings associated with those efforts. If you are inspired to quit smoking by anything you read here, please see a doctor and follow their instructions. I, in no way, am suggesting or recommending anything as means of smoke cessation.